Therapists often encourage clients to communicate all the things they are unhappy about in their relationships. The reasoning is once the other person is aware of your unhappiness, they will immediate change and do things differently and that’s the reason positive affirmation have power. That rarely happens!

Counselors think it is healthy to vent or “get it all out,” but I can guarantee it is heard by the other person as complaining or criticizing. No one responds well to that.

Instead, learn in this post how to get what you want by expressing only the things that contribute to your relationship and connection with the other people, as well as yourself.

Why Self Criticism Sucks

We are affirming things, all the time, and we hardly ever realize it.

You may say things like, “I’m can never lose weight” or “I am terrible with money,” which focuses on exactly the opposite of what you really want.

What you focus on increases and when you are focused on things you don’t want, you unintentionally end up with more of it.

“…”Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.” ~ Edwin Louis Cole, Author

This is a huge reason for catching and stopping self-criticism.

You are creating a negative affirmation when you put yourself down.

Every time you say something like, “I’m never on time” or “I never get it right,” you are focusing on what you don’t want and increasing the probability of those outcomes.

Just Like I Expected

Affirmations also affect the people around us.

It seems obvious to us that a teacher telling a kid that his answer was stupid is destructive and hurtful. The kid hears it as “I’m stupid” and then he starts to repeat that to himself.

He starts thinking, “I’m not good at school. School is dumb and a waste of time.”

Let’s say he now has to do study for a test, but he thinks, “Why is this relevant to me? I’m stupid.” So then he doesn’t study for the test.

When the test comes, of course he is going to get a bad score. Then that reinforces his pre-existing story of “I’m stupid.”

His brain organizes around the story, “I am stupid” and his life and world prove it right.

That is called our reticular activating system. It actually pays attention to the things that reinforce our beliefs.

So what you believe is not necessarily the truth, but we believe what we hear the most.

What people don’t realize is that you have the power and choice to rewrite your own stories about yourself.

Think about it, you would never allow a stranger to talk about your kids, your spouse or your family, in the same way you talk about yourself. It is heartbreaking.

You are creating your own future through the spoken word and then you align with it.

How To Create The Desired Outcome

Performance coach Lee Milteer taught a class on how to create a desirable outcome by using the power of autosuggestion.

One man shared how he was always affirming his wife’s bad temper, which was not what he wanted. What he wanted was peace and calm, so he decided to experiment with saying the opposite to see what would happen…

The next time she started to raise her voice, he used his new affirmation, which was “It’s not like you to lose your temper.” He said she stopped and looked at him funny.

His daughter said, “Yes it is, Mom always loses her temper,” because that is what she has always heard. The husband stuck to his guns with the affirmation.

Not long after, they were at a store and the service was extremely slow. The wife started to get angry and threatened to call the manager to let them know about the slow service, but suddenly stopped and said, “But it is not like me to lose my temper, is it?”

You Are So Responsible

I had a client who was guilty of using negative affirmations with her husband. She was constantly affirming what she didn’t want, “You are so unreliable.”

She let him know, in not so subtle ways, that he wasn’t responsible or trustworthy.

What he heard was that she did not trust or respect him. That was the opposite of what she wanted.

Once I helped her connect the dots between what she was saying and his actions, she decided to create positive affirmations. “You are so responsible.” “You decide, I trust you.”

She started calling him “Mr. Reliable.”

She complained it felt like a stretch to say that, but she choose to ignore her skepticism and focused on the outcome she wanted.

Not long after he started stepping up in ways she never imagined. He started his own to do list and created house projects she never asked for. He created a budget for himself and stuck to it.

Perspective Changes

Aren’t you lying if you say something that is not true you might ask.

Here is my perspective…if I say, “You are always late” nobody accuses you of lying. Complaining maybe, but not lying. But is it also true that someone is always late? Isn’t that a lie too or at least an exaggeration?

So if you are going to exaggerate, why not stretch the truth towards what you want and what serves you both? Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Your perspective change is dependent on what you focus on. If you focus on lack, you create lack. If you focus on gratitude, you get more of what makes you happy and pleased.

All you have control over is your own view of the world, so choose carefully and wisely.

Your perception of another person may seem valid to you, but it also influences that person.

There is a good chance they will start seeing things from your point of view, which you can decide is positive or negative. Affirming or disaffirming.

Interestingly, if you choose to change your perspective, you start to find evidence to support your new focus.

Imagine if you are an attorney in court trying to convince a jury your spouse is loving, kind and smart.

You would need to gather evidence.

Nobody is all one thing or another. We all have good aspects and some we do not like.

Which case do you want to make to the jury? Which will serve you better?

You always get what you choose.

Affirm What You Want In Your Relationship

Often my clients have trouble using positive affirmations with their partner, because it is completely different from what they’ve been doing.

If you try it, don’t be surprised if at first it feels strange or even dishonest.

That’s because you are stretching into a new perspective and any change, good or bad, is always awkward to start.

A client of mine, who was engaged to an awesome man, was constantly complaining that he was thoughtless and self centered.

She grumbled that he never picked up his clothes or did a load of laundry. She was always the one who did everything and she resented it.

I suggested she catch him doing something helpful even if it was picking one sock off the floor and thank him. This was designed to help her change her focus.

She insisted he never picked up anything so it would not work.

So I suggested she consider an affirmation on how she would like him to behave like, “It’s not like you to leave your dirty clothes laying around.”

But my client was adamant that would not work either.

She said, “My fiance is great, but he’s not like your husband. John is awesome.”

I took that as a compliment, because I know I focus on what I appreciate about my husband and share it with my clients.

I am also constantly acknowledging and appreciating my husband. So he is probably feeling loved and therefore more willing to do things that make me happy.

Are You Focusing on the Outcome You Want?

I challenge you to focus on the outcome you want for yourself first and all the relationships in your life.

I’d love to hear the difference it makes!