Long-Term Relationship Tips – I have always sought new experiences, traveling to new places, and even finding new ways to walk through my neighborhood for my husband and my evening strolls.

I enjoy trying new foods and new restaurants, meeting new people, and going to new movies, plays, and concerts.  I love a small party full of strangers and meeting new people. I love hearing about new topics and discovering new perspectives on old topics even more.

Of course, I love the familiarity of comfort and coziness, who wouldn’t? But too much of it and I start to get antsy and bored.

Even during a quiet weeknight in, I find myself asking questions of my husband with hope of hearing new stories or new discoveries about him. And to my surprise I often do.

Novelty is a Potent Aphrodisiac  

In long-term relationships especially, creating and cultivating novelty, either through questions, stories, or experiences that break with tradition and sameness are the keys to sustaining love and passion.

Maintaining a sense of playfulness, surprise, and mystery helps prevent both the routine and repetition that can result in a lessen and downturn of desire and passion in the relationship over time.

Good news for you men – novelty boosts testosterone.

Novelty also can ignite your curiosity, and invite you to explore with this very familiar person some of their untold dreams, desires, quirks, and surprises.

Contradictions

When you are open and believe there is something new to learn about your partner, whether it’s crazy, shocking, vulnerable, or sweet, you experience an interesting contradiction: “rencontrer” and remembrance. 

“Rencontrer” means a meeting with the new. Remembrance is the comfort of recognition.

Over time, most of us experience our partner as someone familiar and we think you know well. Yet, in truth, they are still undefinable and can still be interesting and never completely knowable.

When you realize there is more to know, it can create highly erotic tension and fun that can rejuvenate, enliven, and reignite your relationship.

Sharing new stories is an enjoyable and possibly amusing way to give rise to seeing your partner with fresh eyes and hearing with open ears. 

Unfortunately, we too often, partners settle for familiar and boring questions like: What did you do today? How was work? What do you want for dinner? Did you go to the gym?

No wonder why you complain about tedium, monotony, and lethargy in your relationship.

I recommend you change the questions, and the prompts, to get new stories and new dynamics with your mate.

What Are Some Good Conversation Starters?

Here are some to get you started in random order off the top of my head:

When do you feel most free in our relationship?
In which situation do you feel most tense?
What is the best compliment you would like to receive?
Do you have spontaneous thoughts, images, or daydreams?
How do you like to be touched?
When do you feel most beautiful/handsome?
When do you feel most dull? Most alive?
When do you feel most untouchable? Desire to be touched?
Do you sometimes pretend?
What are your guilty pleasures?
What was the attitude toward sex in your family growing up? Comfortable? Positive? Natural? Awkward? Repressive? Shameful? Guilt inducing? Abusive?

How do you feel about being a man/ woman?
Among the five senses, which one is the most sexual for you? Seeing? Smelling? Hearing? Touching? Tasting?
What is your favorite temperature of water?
What do you enjoy the most when we make love?
What do you like to experience in sex? Tenderness? Softness? Closeness? Intensity? Aggression? A state of transcendence? A spiritual connection? Rebellious? A release? Surrender? Dominance? Abandon? Unboundedness? Freedom? Free from any responsibility? Ruthlessness? Timelessness? Giving? Receiving? To be taken? To Possess?
I was never the same after… 

A text message I fantasize about receiving…

A dream I’ve never shared…

If I could whisper in the ear of my teenage self… 

I’ll never regret…

What Holds You Back From Trying Something New?

What holds most of us back from sharing and trying new things with our partners is the inherent vulnerability of it. 

We all fall into comfort zones and mind-numbing routines because they involve little trouble or effort and can appear efficient.

Also doing the same thing and asking the same questions has known outcomes and offers little chance of rejection.

Notice how you tend to go to your same tried and true places for date nights, do the same things – dinner and a movie, and reuse the same sexual positions because they reliably get the job done.

These may give you some sense of peace of mind but offer no new territory to explore and play.

How To Get To The Other Side of Predictability

Asking new questions is the start to take you to new places with your partner.

And if it feels too uncomfortable, vulnerable, or downright awkward, it’s OK. It’s meant to.

That is how you get to the other side of sameness boredom and predictability which can eventually be relationship killers.

Instead, try to be playful with it. Play is a space where you permit yourself to be vulnerable.

In the context of play, risk can be safe and fun.

Play and spontaneity can let you be bold and daring, as well as surprising and refreshing or naughty and teasing. It’s why you may have played Spin the Bottle and 7 Minutes in Heaven when you were younger.

You are in charge of bringing the energy back into your conversations. The person you are in a relationship with may surprise you.