When You’re Doing the Inner Work and They’re Not
When you’ve been working on your emotional intelligence, healing, and self-awareness, it can feel especially disorienting to encounter someone who hasn’t. Maybe it’s a partner, a colleague, or a family member who seems reactive, defensive, or just hard to communicate with. It’s hard to communicate with difficult people!
I grew up with a highly reactive, bipolar mom, and so I easily get triggered when someone is mad at me. Learning how to calmly deal with difficult people has been a game-changer for me.
Difficult people aren’t “bad” people; they’re simply operating from fear. When their nervous system gets hijacked and they take it out on you, then of course, it is difficult not to react and get pulled in too.
You can instead choose the High Road instead of the Low Road by learning a framework that deeply listens to the other person to bring the conversation back into connection and calm.
The Two Roads: High Road vs. Low Road
When we feel threatened or misunderstood, our brain takes one of two routes:
- Low Road: Our nervous system and conditioning cause us to react automatically by fighting, freezing, taking flight, or fawning.
- High Road: slows down, notices what’s really happening in the other person and inside yourself, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
When someone lashes out, interrupts, or stonewalls, their fear system is activated.
If you try to tell them your truth or the facts as you see it, or worse yet, tell them to calm down, it will only cause more fighting and misunderstandings. You then are in a vicious cycle of more upset and frustration.
But if you can pause, breathe, and engage curiosity, you interrupt the loop.
In Vanessa Van Edwards’ book, Captivate, she offers a framework she calls NUT. No, not kicking them in the nuts!
It stands for Name, Understand, Transform, which gives you an easy acronym to help you remember how to get to the High Road, even when someone else is triggered or triggering you.
Step 1: N = Name the Emotion
The first step is to name the emotion you sense in the other person, while staying aware of your own.
“It sounds like you feel unheard… frustrated… maybe even hurt.”
Naming the emotion is a simple but powerful way to help them with co-regulation. It tells the other person: I see you. I get what’s happening. I want to understand.
It does three things:
- It conveys that you’re present and noticing them (so their fear of being not seen, not understood, and feeling invisible begins to ease).
- It helps them identify what they’re actually feeling instead of staying stuck in reaction.
- It slows the emotional momentum and begins to restore safety.
You’ve probably seen how easily conversations go sideways when this step is skipped.
In a typical scenario…
Your partner comes home visibly tense and says, “My meeting was a disaster. No one listened to me.”
Trying to make them feel better or fix their bad mood, you respond: “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. Maybe they were just distracted.”
Instantly, the wall goes up. Instead of helping your partner feel unseen or dismissed, because what they really needed wasn’t reassurances, it was resonance.
Now imagine a different response:
“That sounds so frustrating. You put a lot into that presentation, and it feels like no one valued it.”
The energy shifts immediately. They exhale, their shoulders drop, and they begin to open up.
That’s the power of naming emotion. It diffuses defensiveness and makes connection possible.
As I often remind clients: naming emotion is not agreeing, it’s acknowledging. And acknowledgment opens the door to connection.
Step 2: U = Understand the Feeling
Once emotion is named, the next step is to understand what’s driving it.
Ask gentle, curious questions like:
“What part of that felt the hardest for you?”
“Were you hoping for more support or acknowledgement from the team?”
The goal isn’t to fix or defend, it’s to uncover the need beneath the feeling. Difficult behavior is almost always a signal of an unmet need or unspoken fear.
When we understand what someone values, recognition, respect, safety, and belonging, we meet them at the human level.
These are some of the most fundamental human values because they link directly to our sense of worth and emotional security.
- Recognition reflects our desire to be seen and valued for who we are and what we contribute. When it’s missing, people often feel invisible or taken for granted.
- Respect speaks to being treated as an equal, having our boundaries honored, and our perspective acknowledged. Without it, people feel dismissed or diminished.
- Safety is both emotional and physical. It’s the need to know we won’t be attacked, shamed, or abandoned for expressing ourselves. When safety is missing, defensiveness naturally rises.
- Belonging is the deep, tribal instinct to feel included, connected, and accepted. When belonging feels threatened, people often react by withdrawing, overexplaining, or seeking approval.
Every strong emotion points to one or more of these core values being activated.
For example, anger can arise when someone’s need for respect is violated. Sadness might reflect a loss of connection or belonging. Anxiety often signals that safety feels uncertain.
When you listen at this level, beneath words and behavior, you move from reacting to what someone does to understanding what they need.
That’s what it means to meet someone at the human level: you’re no longer arguing over the content of the conflict, you’re connecting through the values that make us all human.
This mirrors the work I do with clients: helping them discover what their reaction is really about. Often it’s not the surface issue; it’s the deeper need to be seen, appreciated, and feel safe.
Step 3: T = Transform the Conversation
Only after naming and understanding can you move to transform the conversation.
Transformation is about finding a collaborative next step, something that shifts the focus from blame to solution.
For example:
“That makes total sense, you worked hard on that project, and it sounds like your ideas weren’t really heard. What would help you feel more confident or supported in your next meeting?”
“Is there something I could do, maybe just listen while you talk things through or help you brainstorm how to handle it differently next time?”
Notice the shift: you’re no longer offering quick fixes or minimizing their feelings, you’re helping them explore solutions while staying emotionally connected.
Transformation only works once emotions have been acknowledged. If someone still feels unsafe or unseen, logic won’t land. Emotion first, solution later.
From a coaching perspective, this is where transformation meets empowerment. You’re guiding the interaction toward growth and clarity rather than looping in old dynamics.
When It’s Toxic: Boundaries Are Part of Transformation
Sometimes, no matter how calm or compassionate you are, the other person isn’t willing or able to engage from that place. You might find yourself in the same conversation over and over again, where they vent, attack, or blame, but refuse to take responsibility or move toward resolution.
In those cases, a boundary isn’t punishment; it’s protection. You can lovingly close the loop without closing your heart.
For example, you might say:
“I really want to support you, but it feels like this conversation keeps going in circles. Let’s take a break and come back to it when we’re both calmer.”
Or:
“I care about you, but when the conversation turns to criticism, I need to step away. I’m happy to talk when we can both listen to each other.”
If the pattern continues, you can be even more direct:
“Thank you for sharing how you feel. I’m not able to keep engaging in this kind of dialogue; it doesn’t feel healthy for either of us.”
Setting a boundary like this honors both people’s dignity. It communicates: I respect your feelings, but I also respect my own peace.
Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re self-respect in action. You can honor someone’s humanity while refusing to participate in a dynamic that drains you and gets you both nowhere.
Client story: I had a client whose wife used to yell at him all the time. He tried soothing her, getting her to laugh, bringing her favorite candy, but none of that worked. She continued to yell, and he felt defeated and frustrated.
After several attempts to try the NUT method with her, she still continued to react, ignoring his attempts. I recommended he tell her calmly that he would be willing to speak with her about her frustrations when she was willing to speak to him in a respectful manner. It took about 2 weeks of having to say that to her regularly until she finally realized she could no longer use yelling to get his attention and concern. That was the catalyst for her coming to see me to work on what was triggering her anger. They both told me this really shifted and rekindled their relationship.
From Outer Communication to Inner Work
Every difficult interaction is also an opportunity for self-awareness. When someone triggers you, it’s rarely just about what they said; it’s about what their behavior touches inside you. Maybe it stirs an old feeling of being dismissed, unheard, or not good enough.
This is where the inner work I do with people becomes really powerful. My clients learn how to use the same principles to name, understand, and transform their unconscious programming.
The Inner Work Connection
As an IFS-trained coach, I often see how the NUT framework beautifully mirrors the way we relate to our own inner parts. When we do the inner work, what we are trying to get others to do, you become a real powerful role model, standing in your own power.
You tap inward:
- Name the emotion: “A part of me feels angry.”
- Understand what that part needs: “It’s trying to protect me from rejection.”
- Transform by giving that part compassion and new choices.
When we apply this same compassion and curiosity inwardly, we expand our capacity to stay grounded and empathetic externally.
Any outer conflict becomes a mirror, an invitation to meet the inner one with more presence, patience, and understanding.
Reflection Questions
Use these prompts to practice the NUT framework this week:
- Think of a recent interaction that felt tense or frustrating. What emotion did you feel and what might the other person have been feeling?
- Which road did you take the High or Low and why?
- What would naming, understanding, and transforming have looked like in that moment?
- Is there someone in your life whose behavior consistently triggers you? What boundary or new approach could restore your peace?
Final Thoughts
The ability to navigate difficult people isn’t about learning how to “win” a conversation; it’s about learning how to stay grounded in your truth, while seeing the humanity in the other person.
When you learn to name emotion, understand what drives it, you transform the dynamic and move from reaction to connection.
You stop feeding the fear loop and instead create a space where both people can feel safe, seen, and empowered.
That’s not just good communication. That’s growth.
That’s personal development and emotional leadership.
If you’re ready to stop looping in old patterns and start communicating from a grounded, authentic place, I offer transformational coaching sessions that blend inner work, neuroscience, and real-world relationship tools. You’ll learn how to stay centered, speak your truth, and create connection, even in hard moments.
Book a Clarity Call with Wendy Lynne Coaching
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