What Is The Key To Transforming Your Love Life?

Loving And Feeling Loved

In her book, “Hold Me Tight”, Dr. Johnson describes how the Attachment theory explains the need for attachment in adult love, just like in childhood.

As adults, we feel loved based on how emotionally responsive our partner is to our needs.

Just like in childhood, we feel loved based on how responsive our mother was to our needs and wants.

When couples fight, unconsciously they feel like they’re fighting for their lives.

The reason being, when we feel isolated or fear the potential loss of our loving connection, the brain creates a primal panic response.

Our need for safe emotional connections is wired in by millions of years of evolution.

According to Dr. Johnson, love is an actual survival mechanism and to feel emotionally cut off or disconnected from our partner is terrifying.

Longing For Connection

Longing for emotional connection is an emotional priority and can even overshadow the drive for food or sex.

All the drama around love is about this hunger for safe emotional connection that we experience from the time we are born until the time we die.

We all want to know the answers to the questions:

“Are you there for me?”

“Do I matter to you?”

“Will you come when I need you, when I call?“

To reconnect we have to speak our needs in a way that moves our partner to respond.

Fighting Is Creates Fear

When safe connections seem lost, partners go into fight or flight mode.

They blame and get aggressive to get a response, any response or they close down and pretend they don’t to care.

The truth is they both are terrified; they are just dealing with it in different ways.

The trouble is, once they start this blame – distance loop, it seems to confirm all their fears and adds to their sense of isolation.

The blaming is a desperate cry for attachment and a protest against the feelings of disconnection.

It can only be quieted by your partner moving emotionally close to hold and reassure you.

Nothing else works.

If this reconnection does not occur, the struggle goes on. We’ve all experienced that!

One partner will frantically try to get an emotional response from the other. The other hearing that he or she failed freezes up.

Freezing in the face of danger is a wired in response to a sense of helplessness.

It is a vicious cycle.

What Is Needed?

What’s needed is the sense of secure bonding that can withstand differences and wounds.

Once partners know how to speak their needs to bring closeness, every trial they face can make their love even stronger.

Those moments of discord can create a new sense of trust and connection.

You Become More Confident

If you know you’re loved one is there and will be there when you call, you’re more confident of your worth and your value.

The world seems less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.

Once you understand this, you will understand your own unspoken longings and seemingly irrational fears and can connect with your loved one in a whole new way.

You will no longer have to hide or deny your fears.

How Can YOU Transform Your Love Life?

Want to learn more how to apply this in your relationship?

Give me a call so you can start using this new approach to change and grow your relationship.

Be sure to read the first of this series on what creates love compatibility.