Why do we keep having the same fight?
It’s one of the most common questions I hear from couples who feel stuck, exhausted, and confused about why conflict never seems to resolve, and it’s the same question that arises for me when I watch therapy portrayed on television.
It’s not because the therapists are unskilled. Often, they’re thoughtful, emotionally attuned, and genuinely trying to help.
And it’s not because frameworks like attachment styles, childhood wounds, or communication tools are wrong or irrelevant.
They matter. I use them in my own work.
What’s missing is how those frameworks are often used.
They’re treated as the cause of the problem, rather than as descriptions of how distress shows up inside a system that already has an imbalance.
So we explore attachment styles without asking whose needs consistently get prioritized.
We unpack childhood wounds without naming how present-day power reinforces them.
We teach communication tools without noticing whether using those tools is actually safe.
In other words, we focus on how people are reacting without naming what they’re reacting to.
When power remains invisible, attachment becomes the explanation instead of the outcome.
Childhood wounds become the story instead of the context. Communication becomes the focus instead of the risk.
And that’s when therapy, even well-intentioned therapy, can unintentionally miss what’s actually organizing the relationship.
What I see again and again in real relationships is that couples aren’t stuck because they lack insight or effort.
They’re stuck because the structure of the relationship hasn’t been named. And until it is, the same conflict will keep resurfacing, no matter how many times it’s discussed.
Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?
Most couples don’t keep having the same fight because they’re stubborn, immature, or incapable of growth; this is one of the most common patterns I see in Relationship Coaching.
They keep having the same fight because the conflict is circling something that hasn’t been spoken out loud.
On the surface, the argument may be about chores, money, parenting, tone, sex, or feeling unappreciated. But underneath, there’s often a more destabilizing question trying to surface:
- Whose needs matter more here?
- Who gets to decide what’s reasonable?
- What happens if I disagree, resist, or say no?
When those questions can’t be safely named, the argument has nowhere to go. So it loops.
One person keeps trying to be understood.
The other keeps trying to stay in control.
And both leave the conversation feeling unheard.
This is why repeated fights don’t resolve through better wording or better timing. If the structure of the relationship remains unchanged, the conflict will keep regenerating, no matter how skilled or self-aware both people are.
What Are Power Dynamics in Relationships?
Power dynamics describe how influence, authority, and decision-making are distributed between people.
Power doesn’t always look like domination. In fact, the most impactful power dynamics are often subtle, implicit, and unspoken.
Power shows up in questions like:
- Who controls money, time, or access?
- Whose career determines where the family lives?
- Whose anger changes the room?
- Who sets the emotional tone?
- Whose version of events becomes “what really happened”?
In many relationships, one partner’s experience is treated as objective, logical, or factual, while the other’s is framed as emotional, reactive, or biased. That framing alone creates a hierarchy.
Power dynamics aren’t about someone being “bad.” They’re about how the system is organized and what happens when that organization is challenged.
And until that organization is visible, conflict will continue to be misdiagnosed as a communication problem.
When Communication Skills Don’t Work
One of the most painful experiences I see is when someone is genuinely trying to communicate better, and it still doesn’t help.
They slow down.
They regulate their tone.
They use “I” statements.
They choose their words carefully.
And every time they speak up, there’s a cost.
Maybe their partner shuts down.
Maybe they become angry or defensive.
Maybe the conversation gets turned back on them.
Maybe there’s a threat, explicit or implicit, of withdrawal or instability.
Eventually, the person trying to communicate begins to wonder what’s wrong with them.
But the truth is this:
You cannot fix communication in a system where honest communication is unsafe.
Communication tools don’t override power structures. They reveal them.
If using your voice destabilizes the relationship, your nervous system will learn very quickly that silence, minimization, or self-doubt are safer strategies. That isn’t a failure. It’s an adaptation.
How Power Imbalances Make Honesty Feel Unsafe
When there is a power imbalance in a relationship, honesty stops feeling like a path to connection and starts feeling like a threat.
This is where many people begin to turn against themselves.
They soften their truth.
They over-explain.
They backtrack mid-sentence.
They manage the other person’s emotions before tending to their own.
Not because they’re insecure or needy, but because they’ve learned, consciously or unconsciously, that naming reality has consequences.
Power imbalances are often maintained through emotional mechanisms:
- Anger that shuts things down
- Withdrawal that creates fear of abandonment
- Logic that dismisses lived experience
- Calmness that masks invalidation
Over time, the person with less power may stop trusting their own perceptions. And then the conflict isn’t just about the original issue anymore. It’s about whose reality is allowed to exist.
Signs Your Relationship Conflict Is About Power, Not Communication
If you’re trying to understand what’s really happening, these signs are often telling:
- You keep explaining yourself, but nothing changes
- The same issues resurface no matter how carefully you speak
- You feel anxious or braced before bringing things up
- Your partner becomes dismissive, defensive, or punitive when challenged
- One person gets to be angry, while the other is told they’re overreacting
- Decisions are framed as mutual, but outcomes consistently benefit one person
If you see yourself here, there is nothing wrong with you.
Your nervous system may be responding accurately to an unequal dynamic.
What to Do When Power Is the Real Issue
When power is the real issue, the work shifts, and this is often where working with me helps clients move from confusion to clarity.
Instead of asking, “How can I say this better?”
The question becomes, “What happens when I say this at all?”
Instead of trying to fix yourself, you begin to get curious about the structure you’re in.
This might look like:
- Naming what you’ve been avoiding
- Setting boundaries instead of endlessly negotiating
- Noticing what changes and what doesn’t when you speak up
- Letting go of the belief that more effort will create safety
Sometimes the most healing step isn’t better communication.
It’s clarity.
Clarity about what’s actually happening.
Clarity about what you can and can’t change.
Clarity about whether the relationship can tolerate honesty.
From there, real choice becomes possible.
Why Seeing Power Changes Everything
Once you can see power, you can’t unsee it.
And that’s not a loss of innocence. It’s a gain of agency.
Power is always present in relationships, whether we acknowledge it or not. It shapes what’s possible, what’s permitted, and what’s punished. It determines whose reality counts and whose gets questioned.
The question isn’t whether power is operating in your relationship.
It is.
The question is whether you’re seeing it clearly enough to decide how you want to engage with it.
And that’s where real transformation begins.
Frequently Asked Questions About Repeating Relationship Fights & Power Dynamics
Why do couples keep having the same fight?
Couples often keep having the same fight because the conflict is circling an underlying issue that hasn’t been named, frequently a power imbalance or lack of emotional safety.
If honest communication has consequences such as anger, shutdown, withdrawal, or dismissal, the same argument tends to repeat even when both people try to communicate better.
What are power dynamics in a relationship?
Power dynamics are how influence, decision-making, and emotional impact are distributed between partners.
They show up in who has the final say, who controls resources like money or time, whose needs get prioritized, whose emotions set the tone, and whose version of reality is treated as true.
Can power dynamics cause communication problems?
Yes. When power is unequal, communication problems are often a symptom, not the root issue. If one partner holds more control or their reactions shut down the conversation, the other partner may feel unsafe being honest. In that context, communication tools may not work because the relationship structure punishes openness.
Why don’t communication tools work in some relationships?
Communication tools don’t work when using them is unsafe. If bringing up concerns leads to defensiveness, anger, withdrawal, punishment, or repeated dismissal, the nervous system adapts by staying quiet or self-editing.
The issue isn’t a lack of skill; it’s a lack of safety and shared power.
What are the signs that a relationship conflict is about power, not communication?
Common signs include repeating the same argument despite careful communication, feeling anxious before bringing things up, one partner’s anger dominating the space, decisions that consistently benefit one person, frequent dismissal or minimization, and a dynamic where one partner’s reality is treated as “facts” while the other is labeled “emotional” or “overreacting.”
What can I do if power is the real issue in my relationship?
Start by naming the pattern and noticing what happens when you speak honestly.
Focus on boundaries, emotional safety, and whether the relationship can tolerate truth without punishment or dismissal.
Sometimes the next step is renegotiating how decisions are made and how conflict is handled. Other times, it’s getting support to clarify what you’re no longer willing to participate in.
Is a power imbalance always intentional or abusive?
Not always. Some power imbalances develop unconsciously through habits, roles, finances, or conflict styles.
But even when it isn’t intentional, the impact still matters. If one partner consistently has more control or the other feels unsafe being honest, it’s important to address the imbalance directly.
If You See Yourself Here
If you see yourself here, repeating the same fight, walking on eggshells, or constantly trying to “say it better” while nothing truly shifts, you’re not failing.
You may be responding to a relationship structure that doesn’t feel emotionally safe or mutually respectful.
This is exactly the kind of work I support clients with: getting clear on what’s really happening, rebuilding emotional safety, and learning how to speak from truth without abandoning yourself.
If you want help naming the pattern and changing it, or deciding what you’re no longer available for, I invite you to explore Relationship Coaching or learn more about working with me.
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